Oh hey, November!

Is it really November? Wow. My reader is full as a result of my laptop being away at the computer doctor. I was changing the sheets on my bed {yet another domestic failure on my part, should have just gone to sleep instead of deciding that the sheets needed to be switched} so I put my laptop on the floor, took my duvet off the bed and put it on said laptop, and in a split second forgot about the location of the laptop and heard a loud CRUNCHITY CRUNCH. The screen is shattered, but its only two months old and I purchased the accident protection when I bought it so I should have it back soon. 

How was everyone's weekend? Mine was eventful but also enlightening I would say. A weekend full of some old chapters in my life that I am looking to just close for good. I went back to my college for homecoming and it was really great to see everyone. A lot of the girls from my sorority that graduated two years before me where there and I hadn't seen a lot of them in ages. But then again, it was sort of odd to feel like an outsider at a place that only 5 months ago had been my home. I know that I am taking so many great things away from college: my education, so many good experiences {many of which I cannot remember}, and great friends, but I don't think I need to be going back there again anytime soon. It was also poor planning on the school's part for Halloween and Homecoming weekend to coincide. Just saying.

This past week, my therapist and I discussed how I will know when I am OK, what it even means to be OK, and how I will know if/when I don't need to be in therapy anymore. And I think that is the million dollar question in my life presently. Being not OK has become the norm in my life for SO long, that its almost comforting. Holding onto the weight or holding onto the fear of giving up the excuse is the name of the game for me. What happens when I study until my eyes fall out and I can't pass this exam that I need to make a CAREER out of what I am currently doing? Then I have to reevaluate my career choice. What happens if I am in the best shape of my life, feeling and looking great and physically fit, and I am still single? Then what is wrong with me? I know that there are people who are bigger than me that are loved and in happy, healthy relationships, so there has got to be something else that I am doing wrong or that I need to work on. So the moral of this tale is that I think I have forgotten what being OK feels like. I want to get back there, but I have to first let go of all the excuses and the what-ifs. I was watching Opra*h yesterday and Por*tia De*Rossi was on talking about her book that comes out today. She says the book is for anyone who has ever struggled with their body image, which would be me to an exact tee. She had a lot of smart things to say on the show, so I think I will try and snag a copy soon. 

I feel like I am on the verge of being a great version of myself. Not to say that this version doesn't have its redeeming qualities, but as of lately I have just found myself being snappy with people and frustrated easily, essentially swirling in some sort of bitch spiral. I know that when I am upset with myself and how I am feeling that reflects in my attitude towards others and that isn't fair. But I am learning finally that Rome definitely wasn't built in a day, and I am taking baby steps and small goals to get to a better place.