My Story.

*WARNING: Less than cheery post ahead!

A lot of you have written "Your Stories". Whether they be the story of how you came into your faith, met your significant other, or some other big life event, you have let us in to a part of your life. I can only guess that it wasnt all that comfortable at first but you felt glad afterward and probably a little less burdened. As I sit here preparing to write My Story, I can only hope that it somehow helps me to heal and move forward.

I talked in a previous post about my quest to lose 30 pounds by graduation in May. I feel that in order to be the least bit successful in that I need to rid myself of a lot of baggage. This is my first attempt at that. I have/had an eating disorder since about the end of 7th grade. I struggle with whether to describe this in past or present tense because I don't know if this is something that I or anyone for that matter ever gets over. It comes in waves so I think its more of an on/off thing than something that I am rid of.

I was a skinny child. A bean pole if you will. I had danced from the age of 3 and in 6th grade I auditioned for the competitive group at my studio. I never had any issues with the way I looked, but then again I was 11 years old. I remember feeling less than comfortable in my two piece costume for my jazz number but I look back at pictures of a body without an once of fat on it and wonder what the hell I was worried about. Puberty came and things changed and then I moved the summer between 6th and 7th grade. I remember coming home that day and eating some ice cream and flipping out. I went into the bathroom and made myself sick.

I talk a lot about the relationship that I have with my mother. While she is my best friend, she has also been a big contributing factor to my self image issues. It was always something with her. "Suck in your stomach, you know if you were just a little thinner you would get more attention from boys" and it continued like that for years. Around 8th or 9th grade she figured out what I had been doing and ensued the denial, the promising of stopping but I was really lost in all of it. It continued for the majority of high school and I had to come up with more creative ways of hiding it. Sophomore year of high school I decided I needed to get some help. The therapist was less than helpful as she blamed everything on my mother, which in her defense isnt really fair. My grandmother was hard on her growing up and I think that it just translated into her not knowing any differently when it came to dealing with my sister and me.

When I got to college, I enrolled myself in a program in hopes that this would be a big change for me. I met with a nutritionist, psychologist, and the physician on campus and I felt like I was making some headway. Community bathrooms probably saved me for that year because obviously there was no privacy. Sophomore year I moved into a house turned into a dorm with a roommate who had the same struggles as me. Horrible idea, even worse situation. Living in that room was like living in a blackhole. I cant remember exactly but it was probably one of my worst semesters academically as well. Luckily we both moved into the sorority building, so we were able to part as friends knowing that it had been a bad living situation.

Since then, I have been fine while at school. I might not eat the healthiest but I have been able to rationalize in my head that making myself sick is not the answer. I just want to be healthy and happy. I want to feel good in my own skin, and I know that weight loss is not the end all be all and that beauty comes from within etc etc but we all know we live in a SKINNY WORLD. Its tough being a girl these days with all the pressures on us to be beautiful. I know that everything in my life is connected. When I dont feel good about my appearance I am moody and I push people away and everything sort of spirals.

So here it is, 3 days before a new year, a new decade, and a new me. In 6th months I will be out of college and moving on to a new stage of my life and I want to be the best version of myself when I embark on my future. I was talking to a friend the other day and she was saying that she just cant get herself to work out and I said that I think if you just force yourself for a little while it becomes part of your everyday. So it seems that I know, WHAT I need to do, the execution of that is where I fall short.

If you made it through this, Thank you. Here's to all of us, in the quest to be the best we can be.

Sunny Sunday!

Hi all! Hope everyone had a fabulous Christmas! Mine was spent mostly in the car on our way down to Charleston. It was raining SO hard. I guess rain is better than snow but it was pretty hard to see for a bit. Yesterday we hit up some outlet malls and I had such a terrible headache that I did not want to shop in the least. This can only mean that I am deathly ill or losing my mind because I am never one to turn down shopping. There weren't too many stores that I liked, and I am not the biggest fan of my body these days and trying on clothes was the last thing I wanted to do. Today/New Years Resolution is to lose 30 pounds by graduation in May. We all know those robes are less than flattering so I don't want to add fuel to the fire. I am also having a big party and want to be able to get a really pretty dress (in a smaller size) and look good in all the pictures that are taken. Hopefully I can use this blog when I get back to campus to keep me on my toes, since we all know how toxic college is with its 3am food delivery services. WHO THOUGHT THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA?!

Today is my parents' 23rd anniversary. Is it cynically of me to wonder if I will ever be able to stand someone that long? I was talking to my mom about this the other day and she was saying that part of their "success story" if you will is that she married someone she could grow and change with. That seems to make a lot of sense to me as even now I am a VERY independent person. I want someone to experience new things with but I dont ever see myself being one of those girls that cant breathe on their own.

We are headed to historic downtown Charleston for some sightseeing and such. Then it is off to the aquarium.. it looks like they have a great penguin exhibit. And then I think Dad and I will be doing a wine tasting. Yum! Perhaps I will be in more of a shopping mood today. I could seriously get used to 60 degree weather in December! Why am I taking a job in New York? Have a great day everyone!

**I am thinking about doing a giveaway once I get to 50 followers so keep checking back!

Blizzard of '09!

Hello all! I am finally starting to make my way back out into the world after all this snow we got on the East Coast. I was literally in shock that we got as much as the weathermen/women predicted because that almost NEVER happens. The last time we got this much snow was the Blizzard of '96 and we were out of school for 2 weeks. I remember being in elementary school and having an absolute ball with sister and brother. Now that I am older, I would much rather just watch the snow fall from inside than tromp around in it.

Not too much going on in Hometown, VA. A new bar opened up earlier in the Fall so everyone I ever knew in life goes there and its always a high school reunion in there. Last night was no exception, but it is starting to get a bit old. Tomorrow the family and I are heading to Charleston for a few days. I wish it were summer time but I feel like its going to be a good trip as long as Dad and Brother don't get into it. They have a history of getting into some heated arguments, especially on long road trips. Its about an 8 hour drive, but hopefully it flies by. Anyone have any good shopping/sight-seeing recommendations? They would be most helpful.

I don't think I have discussed this before, but I suppose there is no time like the present. My mom is Jewish and my dad is Catholic, so over the years our holiday festivities have taken some twists and turns. When I was younger and the only child we did both. I received gifts on Hanukkah as well as on Christmas morning. I know there is a video of the three of us opening gifts on Christmas when we were pretty young and then somewhere over the years we only got Hanukkah presents and my dad got Christmas presents. At some point in elementary school we moved back to both. In recent years we haven't been home on Christmas as we were always in Upstate, NY with family. Well, the moral of the story is that we put up our Christmas tree this year for the first time in about 10 years. It was already up by the time I got home, and we don't really have much tradition. I read all of your blogs about the things you do ever year around the holiday season and it makes me think about my lack thereof when it comes to holiday traditions. I don't really know where I was going with that so excuse the hodge podge of thoughts. I guess I can only make sure that when I get married and have a family of my own, that I start my own traditions.

Question for those of you that are married/engaged/otherwise involved. I was talking with my mom about NY next year and finding a boy, etc etc. as she often likes to point out my apparent loneliness and ask me what I am bringing to the table and why I am still single and all sorts of introspective questions. Well, she claims that you'll never meet the person of your dreams in a bar. My thoughts are that you never know. Especially in NYC where there are so many different types of people. What are your thoughts? Where did you girls meet your current significant others?

Merry Christmas Eve everyone! Hope you are all spending time with the ones you love!

Two more days!

Hello all! Heading into the final stretch of finals.. My probability exam is tomorrow at 330. I am just about to collect my pages and pages of notes and head up to the library. That place is slowly sucking the life out of me but I won't get anything done at home so it is a necessary trip. We have to edit our final report for my Senior Design course by Wednesday at 5pm but I am hoping we can get that done tomorrow night and then I can pack and leave early Wednesday. Cannot wait to be home! My little sister is already home because she started a week before me in August. Not sure about my brother but it will be nice when we are all home. I called my dad before Thanksgiving and asked if he was ready for us to "descend upon them" and ruin the quiet that is their empty nest. We had so much fun just drinking wine and playing copious amounts of Catch Phrase. I am sure Winter Break will be no shortage of fun.

I am at such an emotional crossroads these days. I cannot wait to be done with the learning aspect of college. I need a break from exams and homework assignments and learning pointless things that will serve me no greater purpose in life. At the same time, I don't want to wish college away. I know that after I walk across that stage in May, there is no turning back. And I remember feeling like I had wished high school away after being so eager to get to college. I never want to stop learning and growing but I just think I am ready for the next step. Is that okay? Is it abnormal for a person to feel like they are over college? Arent these the best years of my life? I suppose all of that will need to be sorted out after I conquer random variables and joint density functions.

In other news.. thank you to Christine at The Sweet Sea for my newest award! I have yet to reveal the name of my Small Liberal Arts University but let's just say there exists a definite rivalry between Christine and I's schools, but I still think she is incredibly sweet!

10 things that make me happy:

1. The fact that my mother and I talk no less than 3 times a day and she often calls for no reason

2. A glass of wine with good friends

3. Scarves and gloves

4. Washington Capitals

5. Sushi, sushi, and more sushi!

6. Kisses on the forehead

7. My amazing family

8. Doing something nice for someone else

9. Big cities with noise and mass transportation (specifically NYC and DC)

10. Oprah. I HAVE to go to Chicago before 2011!!

I have stalled long enough on the studying so I have to get into gear now. The next time you hear from me I will be back in the South! Hopefully it is a little bit warmer at home!!

Bad Romance

*Currently loving that song... GaGa is a freak and I don't understand her but her music is great! If you haven't already, listen to her song Speechless. She wrote it for her dad and it is absolutely FABULOUS!

I am still here.. although just barely. My apologies for the recent abandonment. My life has been going non stop and I dont think I will be able to breathe until this time next week when I am at home for 5 WHOLE WEEKS! Cannot wait. I am just about done with 2 of my 4 classes. I have a final Friday and one next Tuesday. After I hit publish on here I am hightailing it to the library. That place really sucks the life out of me but I wont get work done otherwise so I am pushing through!

Hanukkah starts tonight at sundown! We have become very lax the last 5 or so years with the holidays. We haven't been lighting the candles and we haven't gotten a Christmas tree (my religious status in a future, possibly controversial post). This year with all of us being at college until next week I wonder what my parents will do. I know they are getting antsy for us to come home.

MUST GET TO STUDYING THEORY OF COMPUTATION! Doesnt that name just sound vile? It is every bit as awful as its name. But next week I am a SECOND SEMESTER SENIOR! My goodness how time flies. My professor for this class is retiring after this semester and he was joking about how time is not linear, and I couldnt agree with you more. My life is definitely on an exponential incline, going faster than I would have ever liked or imagined!

Happy finals to those of you still in school and Happy Holidays to all!