My Story.

*WARNING: Less than cheery post ahead!

A lot of you have written "Your Stories". Whether they be the story of how you came into your faith, met your significant other, or some other big life event, you have let us in to a part of your life. I can only guess that it wasnt all that comfortable at first but you felt glad afterward and probably a little less burdened. As I sit here preparing to write My Story, I can only hope that it somehow helps me to heal and move forward.

I talked in a previous post about my quest to lose 30 pounds by graduation in May. I feel that in order to be the least bit successful in that I need to rid myself of a lot of baggage. This is my first attempt at that. I have/had an eating disorder since about the end of 7th grade. I struggle with whether to describe this in past or present tense because I don't know if this is something that I or anyone for that matter ever gets over. It comes in waves so I think its more of an on/off thing than something that I am rid of.

I was a skinny child. A bean pole if you will. I had danced from the age of 3 and in 6th grade I auditioned for the competitive group at my studio. I never had any issues with the way I looked, but then again I was 11 years old. I remember feeling less than comfortable in my two piece costume for my jazz number but I look back at pictures of a body without an once of fat on it and wonder what the hell I was worried about. Puberty came and things changed and then I moved the summer between 6th and 7th grade. I remember coming home that day and eating some ice cream and flipping out. I went into the bathroom and made myself sick.

I talk a lot about the relationship that I have with my mother. While she is my best friend, she has also been a big contributing factor to my self image issues. It was always something with her. "Suck in your stomach, you know if you were just a little thinner you would get more attention from boys" and it continued like that for years. Around 8th or 9th grade she figured out what I had been doing and ensued the denial, the promising of stopping but I was really lost in all of it. It continued for the majority of high school and I had to come up with more creative ways of hiding it. Sophomore year of high school I decided I needed to get some help. The therapist was less than helpful as she blamed everything on my mother, which in her defense isnt really fair. My grandmother was hard on her growing up and I think that it just translated into her not knowing any differently when it came to dealing with my sister and me.

When I got to college, I enrolled myself in a program in hopes that this would be a big change for me. I met with a nutritionist, psychologist, and the physician on campus and I felt like I was making some headway. Community bathrooms probably saved me for that year because obviously there was no privacy. Sophomore year I moved into a house turned into a dorm with a roommate who had the same struggles as me. Horrible idea, even worse situation. Living in that room was like living in a blackhole. I cant remember exactly but it was probably one of my worst semesters academically as well. Luckily we both moved into the sorority building, so we were able to part as friends knowing that it had been a bad living situation.

Since then, I have been fine while at school. I might not eat the healthiest but I have been able to rationalize in my head that making myself sick is not the answer. I just want to be healthy and happy. I want to feel good in my own skin, and I know that weight loss is not the end all be all and that beauty comes from within etc etc but we all know we live in a SKINNY WORLD. Its tough being a girl these days with all the pressures on us to be beautiful. I know that everything in my life is connected. When I dont feel good about my appearance I am moody and I push people away and everything sort of spirals.

So here it is, 3 days before a new year, a new decade, and a new me. In 6th months I will be out of college and moving on to a new stage of my life and I want to be the best version of myself when I embark on my future. I was talking to a friend the other day and she was saying that she just cant get herself to work out and I said that I think if you just force yourself for a little while it becomes part of your everyday. So it seems that I know, WHAT I need to do, the execution of that is where I fall short.

If you made it through this, Thank you. Here's to all of us, in the quest to be the best we can be.